LOS ANGELES—In a fiery and, at times, frenzied speech earlier than a crowd of his most dedicated fans, Neutrogena CEO Richard Harper announced plans Thursday for a campaign of global cleansing, announcing his agency might by no means relent in its intention of accomplishing facial purity throughout the globe.
Harper, standing on a huge degree in Griffith Park and flanked by good sized banners bearing the Neutrogena logo, introduced his deal with to an anticipated 200,000 humans, all of whom stood at attention in best formations and appeared to own uniformly clean and even pores and skin tones. The assembled supporters can be heard roaring in approval as the CEO extolled his employer’s plan for final pores and skin-care solution.
“We need to scour from the earth all of the zits, oily T-zones, and blotchy patches which have inflamed our societies with facial inferiority!” said Harper, who slammed his fists on the podium before him, his face reddening with each forceful call to movement. “For too long, those blemishes have careworn our communities and disadvantaged us of descendants with ideal, supple cheeks and a healthy glow. We have attempted covering up the hassle with a chunk of concealer, however, despite an award-winning line of cosmetics that could work wonders to your hassle spots, this is no longer enough.”
“The time has come for a deep, deep, deep scrub!” Harper persevered. “Only then can Neutrogena start its thousand-year reign over a clean-skinned, facially natural world.”
Harper then reportedly paused a couple of minutes to moisturize the usage of a triple-movement face lotion with large-spectrum UV protection.

Witnesses showed that at one point for the duration of his speech, the CEO noticed a person in the crowd with a single pimple and exploded with rage, educating protection to do away with the offender from the venue and feature him cleansed. This tactic would appear to coincide with debts of larger-scale mass cleansings being conducted around the world through Neutrogena’s armed purification sellers. Reports have proliferated of incidents wherein human beings with situations as minor as recurring breakouts or mixture skin were rounded up and subjected to repeated applications of oil-free pimples washes and deep-smooth purifying peel-off mask.
Handbills allotted at Thursday’s rally bore the name, “Don’t Just Cover Up—Clear Up!” and featured a crude cool animated film of a youngster with excessive zits and blackheads being violently scrubbed with a bar of Neutrogena soap. Online propaganda in aid of the facial-cleansing marketing campaign announces that the worldwide population ought to be organized to sacrifice the entirety to “wreck the breakout cycle” and gain clearer skin in only one week.
“Excess oils and impurities have penetrated deep into our global’s as soon as-pristine face, and we ought to pass deep down into the pores to root out this dirty menace,” Harper stated to his cheering followers, whose resounding chants in praise of the “range-one dermatologist-advocated brand” grew increasingly fanatical. “The crusade might be long, and our struggles can be many. But via the compulsory administration of strict, customized pores and skin-care regimens, we can purge all that contaminates us!”
He introduced: “Mark my words. The streets will run white with the push of the unclean.”
According to resources, such efforts have already begun with Neutrogena no longer simplest apprehending humans it considers of an inferior face, however also busing them to mystery exfoliation camps. When they come, those deemed able to rehabilitation are reportedly dispatched to the showers for instant cleansing. Meanwhile, the ones labeled hopeless cases are allegedly used to test experimental grapefruit-primarily based microbead zits wipes and doubtlessly lethal new hydration workouts.

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